| Day 1
Cant weigh self at moment as dad is taking up living room area and wii. will do that when i get home. estimated weight 165. seems about right. i did gain at least 5 pounds and 2 cups sizes in boobs.
Eaten today
-1 egg
-2 pieces bacon (tsk tsk...cut down salted meats)
-1 bagel
going to ask mom to buy granola and yogut tonight. its going to make up the majority of my diet along with fresh fruits and chicken.
excersize to date (4pm)
walked 30 minutes to bus sation
walked 15 minutes home.
went for 10 minute run.
did 30 crunches.
will update | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| The last resort to expressing concerns.
I want to stop. I want to stop all this self destructive behavior. Yes, he fucked up. Okay we arent perfect.
But every snide remark from me now, every cheap shot i take only perpetuates his resentment for me.
My own terrified insecurities that it will happen again drive me to bitterness, but the bitterness would be the reason hed do it again, which in turn would leave me more bittered. What a terrible cycle.
All I want is to just forget, to let him have this one chance and give him the freedom and trust to show me it wasnt in vain. Give him the opportunity to prove he is the man i think i see inside him. But how can he do that if im constantly bringing him down. I need to let go. These scars will ache forever but if i let them comsume me, my love is lost. I need to go back to the girl i was. starting today. i will work out a plan.
i will give him one more chance. A REAL CHANCE. not the halfassed one i gave him before. starting from scratch. he deserves that. we deserve that.
things ive learned
love isnt fairy tales. its not well written lines and romantic gestures and overcoming all obstacles.
love is hard. its work and its never perfect. but there is a reason to struggle.
there is the unexplainable feeling between two people thats worth all the bullshit.
i dont want to give that up. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| -this post has been deleted.
returned to sender.
CHEER THE FUCK UP TAMARA, STOP YOUR WHINING. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| its so easy to remember back when it happened now.
how you all smiled through your teeth as you lied.
i was a joke. a punchline.
how often will i end up at the loosing end of this game.
how little i demand.
and yet, the only thing i ask is the one thing never given.
why was i born into a time of libertines?
im childish but this is unfair.
have i been brainwashed by the million words of fiction in print and screen?
am i upholding false ideals that cease to exist in reality?
im not sure about this world anymore.
where is trust?
where is hope?
where is love?
ive forgiven but why do i still feel like the fool? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i am impregnated by irony.
the cold realities of harsh conditions. i am a product of someones cruel joke.
the single task i was sure i couldnt fail at is whips of smoke in my head.
i am infected with hopelessness.
the hot fever of desperation and despair. i am a case study of someones door into med school
the only thing ive been excited for lately is now just reflections in someone elses mirror.
Karma karma this is for all those dead baby jokes isnt it?
you are such a bitch, it was all in good fun.
whose laughing now... | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | escape the fate - situations | | Current Location: | yer mums | | Subject: | Romeo Save Me | | Time: | 03:25 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/happy.gif) hopeful |
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| All is quiet as I take my place in front of your firing squad.
Four men with reserved eyes and quixotic stares stand before me.
Atrium, Aorta, Ventricles and Venacava.
Strong men with shadowed pasts. Complicated and recondite.
Abstruse but so pulchritudinous that my gaze flows downward, eyes shake and rim with damp salt.
They will not see me falter.
My hands are bound so the blindfold is raised for me.
I glance one last time at them. At my jurors. My judge. My fate.
Standing trial for my sins, they are bared to all.
The accused is charged with dragoste, любовь, kärlek, liefde, armastus, rakkaus, láska, zamiłowanie and szeretet.
With each syllable spoken I stand a little taller, and by the last one a soft smile creeps.
I will stand trial. I will not repent for these sins.
The four men will decide the future.
But the present is mine. Kept unknown and hopeful.
Alive and Dead.
Schrodinger's heart. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Excuses are puerile. Even in the the most inebriated states.
A tenebrous equivocal beat in my chest leaving me perturbed and shaking. Leaving me quixotic and hoping.
This isn't just an instant replay of that demeanor I've come to know so well. The effect of my magniloquent cause. Darwin's law, his curse. An apocryphal lesson I'm sure one day will seep through elongated cracks in my cranium. Maybe then given to beatific satisfactions instead of volatile disturbances.
Precariously I tip toe around this playground of our hearts. Entwined and enamored, unwilling to admit the possibility of capriciousness from within yours. Remaining effervescent that Cameron Crowe didn't lead me on to the concept of a completely ostentatious shining world in which no one ever exists.
Faith is strong but only for the weak. What this is however is simply a truth.
And I refuse to ruin this one chance. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| My heart is the eldest of my organs.
I used it too frivolously, carelessly like a child's favourite wind up stuffed bear.
And like the matted fur and lost ears, sew and re-sew it has aged at an accelerated rate.
It won't survive the age of electric.
A bear won't ever compare to your ipod or cell.
It's practically impractical.
What use serves this dumb old bear, whose song is now off key and sometimes wrong.
These gears are rusting and there are no more caretakers for useless toys.
And so no one to care for my bear.
To each of you, I gave you my bear-a gift with no reason or purpose.
But one that was still there.
But when bear has been bared it almost always never comes home again in one piece.
You find it the next day mucked up in a puddle.
My heart is my favourite toy.
Its worn down and used up and missing an eye.
It smells funny and never quite works right anymore.
Its broken and mending and breaking again.
But I keep it for those moments when someone winds the key to hear a bear-y delightful song.
Even one not quite perfect.
Sometimes that's the way the best things are. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| In living alone I thought Id use more noise to fill the space but I find that most times I spend in silence. Music and movies are more of a rarity than when I had someone to share them with and I can't help but feel the majority of bloggers I read are just lonely people with no one else to talk to. Isn't that what I'm doing now. Electronically voicing a conversation I can't have with the people who aren't there.
Its like a constant state of extremism. Both sides of the coin.
Sometimes you can't ever imagine why you would have lived with anyone else. The freedom and peace that comes with your own space. The lack of drama and stress from not dealing with someone elses needs and problems. There is quiet contemplation and it really seems like you are getting somewhere most of the time.
However there are the times that I guess a part of me misses that shared existence. Like most things in life I covet, it's the little ones I find leave those pangs in the deepest regions of my heart. Times when one feels like they could rewrite the definition of loneliness. Morning coffees, the useless talks that come from the newspaper. Scrambled eggs are so much more fun to make when someone will twirl around a kitchen with you. Someone to just relax with, to laugh with act silly with. Who can listen when you just want to get it out. I guess when it comes down to it this is the only way I can explain it. Sporadic interaction has a feeling that is forced. Like a show put on and rehearsed. There is struggling for content and a desperate need to feel like you didn't waste your time. Not that I feel I'm faking it, its hard to explain. It just seems like more of a task. But when you live with someone, everyday can't be a show and so interaction even if not always the most stimulating becomes a bit more relaxed and real. Its okay to not have anything to do or talk about sometimes. And being with people seems less scheduled. I hate the feeling that my love, friends and family have just become appointments. But maybe that's inevitable. Maybe I'm not as secure in myself as I thought I was.
Maybe theres a lot I don't understand and maybe theres a lot of maybes.
Maybe I need to go back to more metaphoric writing. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Take a look at your life. Where you are. Who you are. Think about where you have been, whom you've known. What you've done. These are the introductions to the prelude of yourself.
There are few people in this world that you get to grow with. Perchance you are lucky enough to find a lover or friend that stays with you for the long haul, but more often than not you have momentary connections. Therefore when reconnecting with someone you were once inseparable with you can appreciate the intensity in that bond. You can lap up the connecting energies like some kind of beautiful elixir. Enjoy and indulge in it.
Ive had my share of best friends, never denying that they were both just a product of convenience and a welcomed shift in my life pattern. Today is about one in particular. Her name was Deidre. And we were special. Our bond forged in back connections and awkwardness. But high school is where we were remembered. Whether most people will admit it or not we made an impact. In Deidre I found a kindred spirit. We both rejected authority, and all the standards that our family, friends and society had set for us. We chose instead, the path less traveled. In all our delinquency we always and to this day maintained a sense of innocence. Deidre and I never got in much actual trouble. We were just silly happy kids that loved to live. And although that definition lacks in eloquence, it is the most accurate I can give. Life was our adventure. Living it was our epic quest. The most mundane of actions to you, were just subplots in the story that we created for ourselves. Very rarely were we contested and more often than not we came out on top.
I could not say that our lives lacked in drama. Like all people subject to the circumstances of existence we dealt with our share of trials, tribulations and even situations that stretched us so thin we defined transparency. But we always seemed like instead of suffering with the drama we were just reading another chapter in our lives. There are enough stories and memories to fill books upon books that we would only find funny, but still to this day, she knows that she can call me. If she needs a friend, or someone to rant to. If she needs to chill, or someone to walk with. I am there if she needs me. And even though we might fall victim to the always popular "yeah lets make plans" walk and stop awful greetings, when we come down to it we will always have eachothers back. Because you stand with and by the ones you love. The ones that matter.
I found this journal entry [ oh LJ has it been so long? ] its from the end of 2003. I wrote it about Deidre and I. No one ever asked whom it was I wrote about. But it was her. Because she was the sister I never had. But did then, and do now. I love her. And this is for her on her [almost] birthday. For now. For always.
Memories Live On | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The extraordinaires | | Subject: | RPG what! | | Time: | 11:57 pm | | Current Mood: | amused |
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| I have created in essence the RPG of my life.
.:Currently:.
Lv 29 aspiring transhumanist
Career length : 24 years 3 months
Encounter Sucess rate 48%
Average d20 : 11.82
She is the struggling warrior on a journey once dreamed epic. Resigned to mundane. But a rethinking the definition of the word should begin now. With every instance of momentary clarity we open new gates of wisdom.
She is fighting the beasts of expectations. Fearing the worst with the sounds of the bellowing battle cries of it's blood-mad berserkers.
Onyxonly made an Armor Class check with a difficulty of 29 . . . and rolled 32.
Expectations are checked at the door, we surprise ourselves each day.
Onyxonly received 340 XP and 120 gold.
Our girl tentatively leaves a heart open again. There is fear and doubt, but a swooning dizzy feeling associated with the spell that love has once again cast on her once scarred heart.
Onyxonly made a Charisma check with a difficulty of 17 . . . and rolled 9.
Love is a battlefield, but although wounds are always to be had, in the end there can be only love and it's satisfying deliverance.
Onyxonly took 16 damage.
Onyxonly received 120 XP and 70 gold.
She's finally found a purpose and direction for life. There is no more fumbling with a future. Confidently moving forward. There are friends and a lover that teach her more with each day.
Onyxonly made an Intelligence check with a difficulty of 16 . . . and rolled 19.
Having finally made choices in your life through hardship and trials, some wisdom is attained.
Onyxonly received 207 XP and 87 gold.
Although satisfied with her current battles, the quest is long from over. Our warrior returns home to rest, for tomorrow is another day, and one to most definitely look forward to.
board game coming soon. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Start from the end.
...and they all lived happily ever after.
now rewind the tape and ask yourself where am I in this story? Careful now, we all know that VCR is old and you might just lose the tape. You should have upgraded to digital. Your life in blueray. Enhanced visual quality experience. No static in this audio, that's all in your head. Crystal clarity in everything but meaning. And here you are, writer, narrator, protagonist, antagonist, artist, choreographer, lighting, makeup, sound, producer and director and no closer to knowing what you are doing on set.
...once upon a time.
I think we've been here before. The start, the end, the eternal cycle. Like an Ouroboros..... There it is, the secret, the meaning of life. I figured it out. Shut down production, this movie doesn't need to be made. I eat my end at the start, I complete myself in the end. Which is actually the start. Quick that means start up production again, there's a new plot twist in the concept of infinity. We'll go Shyamalan on them, here is where we blow your mind, pay attention now. There is no start, no end to eat. There is nothing but this. And its the moment, it is everything. And as are we.
im stuck in a story that eternally in rewrite
im here in a movie lost to post production. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| extra extra read all about it.
big city girl in suburbs meets small town problems.
not even the white picket fences can save her now, as she lies at their base with a bottle of vodka, a stomach of vicodin and a head of bad memories.
the pristine white banks might be her cryogenetic coffin and millions of years from now the new new humans will wonder what left such a jaded look in her eyes.
extra extra small time wonder reaps big time revelations
and the world is nothing but lines, intersecting the truths in checkerboards of wisdom. Here everything is much more simple then before, and rook to king 9 might make for the winning move.
you ain no bobby fisher kid so lets go back to the drawing board.
i now::
- live in st catharines
- work for a large corporation
- shack up with my new best friend kate
- drink alot
- am learning the ropes
- am jaded on love
- reconciled with my family
- meet new friends
- still miss the old ones....sometimes
- enjoy adventure
- cant wait till summer
entertain me.
no one writes anymore, even my creative inspiration is dwindling... sufferign provides no angelic muse, happiness provides no chorus of poetic thoughtfulness...
i cant say im happy
i cant say im not
im not sure what happiness is any longer | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| if there are always moments we all live for.
mine are definately your smiles...
the "blazin saddles" its wide and full and youre more often then not laughing at me with touching endeariness. It surrounds and encompasses and wipes away any sense of negitivity in the room and in my heart.
the "johnny coolpants" its subtle and slow and you wear it with an impressing tone. Its sly and mischievious and your up to something, something that always melts my insides and touches me in only a slightly naughty way. I've fallen victim to it on too many occasion.
the "murder death kill" its the one you have in the morning just as soon as we wake up. Its quiet and sometimes confused, its like spinning around too fast and laying down in soft grass. I dont see it that well cuz youre so close but even in blurred morning eyes its amazing.
the "shoryuken" its kind and teasing and you have it on when ive done something lame or idiotic. its never judging but poking fun with perfect amounts of sarcasm and wit. You manage to correct me but with a sense that lame or not, im still the cutest cat around.
the "zissou" is reassuring and soft, bringing all things back into a state of balanced calm. You use this to keep me from any subhumanoid meldowns and in situations of strain. This is most effective when the world's cruelty damages my faith in the good.
the "two turn tables and a microphone" its happy and bright, the we havent seen eachother in some time but reunited again vibe. Its given upon entries to buildings, cars, or random meetings and makes me giggle.
the "downward dog" its hot and passionate and leaves me like a lion itching to pounce. you keep it when we're having a good time, while having a good time. Symptoms of this smile are too saucy to list here.
the "Ouroboros" im not sure what it is or how to possibly describe it, but it makes me feel completely dizzy without ever moving. Its a physical manifestation of what i can only assume love looks like and it leaves me breathless each time. Its my favourite, I wish i could bottle it and wear it next to my heart always.
im kind of in love with you. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| in point form.
- i just got another promotion!!!!! Thats 2 in 2 weeks, Im working p/t in the accounting department now, which is ultra perk filled. my training starts tomorrow. I am so happy for this chance and vbery proud of myself for not only keeping a job this long and staying dedicated, but even advancing in it. ahah a big FUCK YOU to the certain people that said i wasnt well off and i should focus on a "real career".
- Christophe and I have been together just over 2 months now. And I couldnt ask for a better partner. Hes constantly surprising me in the best of ways, I havent been this happy in a long long long time, its weird to be in a healthy relationships, makes you realize how unhealthy the ones you were in before were, i mean im at fault just as much, but why did i stay in them so long....? Regardless, he makes me giddy like woah. I love this man more then cookie crisp.
- baxter and i are sweet roomates like woah. with booze and puzzle nights. it is now my professional opinion after 7 years of experience that living with a friend, especially of the same sex is so much better then the opposite sex or your significant other. BEST CHOICE I EVER MADE. Everything runs so much smoother. the absoloute only thing i miss is my 360. im definately the wife though.
- i am happy. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| So im an indiot.
I guess some things never change.
This past week has been really hard for me, and i tried to but on a good face, but it all errupted into a shitstorm last night.
I took it out on someone who
a - isnt deep enough into my life to understand.
b - didnt deserve it.
c - will probably hold it agasint me.
A few months ago i got exiled from a group of people i spent the last 4 years calling friends. some i knew even longer than that. And in one simple moment had to cut them from my life forever. It was for the best, I didnt respect them as people anymore and they sure as hell didnt like me much. But as healthy and mature as bowing out can be, I wonder sometimes if it wouldnt have been easier to fake it and have them hate me secretly?
Im very much alone now. I mean I see what little friends I have left once a week or so. But my nights are spent alone, at my computer watching tv. Im not trying to hold some pity party for myself, its just hard sometimes to go from always having someone there to being utterly alone. My roomate works opposite schedules to me and goes out alot as she wasnt really involved and remained a neutral party in the whole fisaco. My dumb ass never thought to get her license so I barely even see my boyfriend. Even my family is burdened when I want to come hang out with them. So I snapped yesterday. And it wasnt pretty.
Thank you vodka for enhancing everything awful, you are such a good good friend.
But i got it out hopefully with minimal damage, and made it to work on time, with only a minimal hangover. so ive been in worse positions.
i just dont want to feel like this anymore.
its not me.
and it sucks large. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| And I can do the frug
I can do the Robocop
I can do the Freddie
I cannot do the Smurf
And I can hate your girl
I can tell you that she's real pretty
I can take my clothes off
I cannot fall in love
And I can do the frug
I can do the Robocop
I can do the Freddie
I cannot do the Smurf
And I can watch TV
I can shuffle off to Buffalo
I can do a backbend
I will not call you back
And I can start a book
I can make some mac and cheese
I can sleep twelve hours
You'll never see my eyes
And I can hate your girl
I can tell you that she's real pretty
I can take my clothes off
I cannot fall in love
You'll never see my eyes
I will not call you back
I cannot do the smurf
I cannot fall in love
I'll never fall in love | | comments: Leave a comment |
| hey old spinster count your cats.
count backwards for all the times you wanted this and now here you are in solitude.
you [cant] always get what you want.
this is strangely how you always pictured it but when the walls in your head become the ones for your hands the transition isnt always the cleanest but you and mr clean will fix that right up.
dont mind the chemical burn on your hands.
on your heart.
that buffers out....right? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Im less than accomplishing right now.
Never asked for the mother/wife role and sank slowly into apathy over it.
Im not unappreciative of love or life, just stagnant in its loophole.
growing mold. losing strength.
im toying with ideas of a nomads life too often these days.
options are always available if you work for them, and ive seen endless ways to get a little more.
Ideas like settling down, a house, a family, a fence and a yard are being tossed effortlessly at me. And although thankful for the blessing of an easy out, im wearing the face again. its not me.
not now. maybe not ever.
the thing about my life is something will only amuse until it is unamusing.
fads.fashions.trends.
consistent in that they always end.
ive got a plan.
ive got many.
Im dealing with rising fears, budding hope, that fluttering feeling in my stomach.
Im finally starting to feel again. Id almost forgotten it amidst the routine of school work and weekend play. dulled out by shots of liquor and lies.
i was almost gone, and maybe it took a doc emmett brown to show me how to remember.
its only ever been half assed, ive only ever gone half way.
but i could take a jump now.
i believe in leaps of faith.
failing health has made me more aware of mortality.
you only live once.
what am i waiting for?
this decisions already been made for me.
its been in my heart for too long.
its only now that the guts are onboard too.
i used to think delinquency was rebellion, was pure unbridled living. the real life.
tiny moments of freedom.
it was nothing but a waste of time keeping me in a cage.
i swear im doing it right this time. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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